Just Ramblin' On

Okay so I know I have not done a blog in a while...so much stuff has gone on. I was out of town for a while for my grandpa's funeral. My husband and I drove to my parents last Monday night and we didn't get back until last Wednesday night. Yeah, been a little depressed and not feeling up to even starting up the laptop to get one polished off.

So I am doing a little update for you on how I am doing. Well, I am proud to say that I have lost 44 lbs and I am now at 360. I am a little disappointed that I haven't lost more. I was at 369 on March 9th and I am like WTF! (Mom and Martha I am trying to clean up my language...just for you...but don't expect much! :) Ha ha ha).

Anyway, today was a good day. I didn't get to bed until 4:30 this morning because I was just not tired. Ever have one of those nights, where you are just too wired too sleep and your brain will not shut off? You lay in bed listening to your husband snore and wish that you were asleep so you didn't have to listen to him. (Well it would work for you if you have a husband that snores...just go along with me okay?) So I stayed up and Googled every freakin website out there for baby showers. I am having one for my sister hopefully in July if she can make it. (Crossing my fingers).

But back to my day...I woke up at 10:30 and my brain kickstarted like an old Ford truck. You know the ones that have the muffler broken and it's really loud. So loud that I was praying for coffee to magically appear in the shower. And while you are wondering on that...Yes, I have drank coffee in the shower. I am a diehard coffee drinker.

Standing under the sizzling spray of boiling water in the shower, I started my agenda for today. Drop off library books (hope that they are not past due), try a snack wrap from McDonald's and see how it goes down (Yep just call me the Gambler), get gas, go to work and pick up my new cell phone and visit my peeps whom I have missed terribly, go to bank and request new atm card cause my is jacked up, get nails done, pick up new contacts, ship my brother-in-laws jacket that somehow ended up in my truck, also ship Mallory's Easter bag of treats (which included a chicken that poops bubble gum....AWESOME!!! she will love it!). So I have a full day.

Did I get it all done? Nope. But I did get most of it done. I didn't realize how much I missed my peeps at work. I walked in and felt love. Now just to give you a little backgroud on me....if I don't see you for a while I pretty much squeal with delight at the sight of you face. I spent most of my afternoon there. Catching up on gossip and looking at new phones and finding out the new policies that rolled out. I wanted to check my email but...what the heck..that can wait for another day. I also got my schedule and found out that I go back to work on April 8th. So the only thing I didn't get done was go to the bank. I guess that can wait for tomorrow.

*Highlights for today*

~Getting to read a juicy magazine at the nail salon.

~Seeing my peeps after 5 weeks. Getting a jump start on my sqealfest.

~Snack wrap from McDee's went down ggggoooooddddd. Could only eat half then saved rest for later.


***Listening to Jamey Johnson - She's All Lady******

Happy 1 Month Annverisary To Me!

I woke up this morning and realized that today is March 23rd. And I thought to myself, "Today is my one month anniversary of having surgery. It's been 4 weeks and I am now allowed soft foods. Yea!" So I got out of bed and I am starting laundry and packing bags to go to my parents for my grandfather's funeral. As I am doing all of this I check my cell phone for messages and notice that my aunt has sent me a text saying that if I want to write and/or read a personal note at Grandpa's funeral I can. Now I am at a loss. I have so many things going on in my mind that I have no idea what to say or even if what I want to say is what I want others to hear also. I will have to think about it. But nevertheless, I am going to try enjoy my day and enjoy my scrambled eggs that I made for myself for breakfast.

Steamy Buddah Balls

Yeah saw this website on eggface and wondered..what the hell so I went and tried it. And it is hilarious! Go try..My name is Steamy Buddah Balls. Nice.

Try it for yourself...The Original Gangsta Name Generator.

Spots all over!

So backtracking a couple of days here and wanting to tell you about a serious condition that I hadthis week that put me in the emergency room for 5 hours. I had hives over 90% of my body. And I really have no idea why I had them. Now my husband and I think that I am allergic to the new protein shake that I purchased from my dietitian. So I am not drinking that anymore. But what happened was on Thursday the 26th I had some itchy spots in the morning and they seemed to grow. I got scared and had my doctor paged around 10pm and asked him. Now, my doctor is a very good doctor but he has no personality whatsoever. He must have missed that class in med school. Didn't get much out of him so my husband and I went to Walgreen's to pick up some Benadryl and some cortozone cream. When we got home I took a cold shower and took the Benadryl and my husband gave me some pain medication and slathered my body with the whole tube of cortozone cream. I went into la la land and fell asleep. So Friday morning came and I felt like I drank a 12 pack and tried to sleep it off. I had a cotton filled head and a sand paper tounge. My husband called me and asked me how I looked. I stood up and looked in the mirror and noticed I still had some on my back and tummy. After I got off the phone with him, I put some clothes on and went down stairs. I called my nurse and asked her what I should do. She told me that I was doing the right thing by taking the Benadryl and Cortozone cream. So I got off the phone with her and went to the kitchen to fix my breakfast and I just could not stop scratching. I ran into the dining room which has mirror doors into the office and I stripped and I could have just cried. I was covered. My neck, legs, belly, butt, arms, pitties, scalp, and ears! I then proceeded to take pictures and sent them to my mom and husband. I called my nurse back and told her (this all happened within 10 minutes) and she said that the doctor could not see me today, but if they got worse to go to the ER. So I waited for my husband to come home so I could show him. I could not believe it. THEY GOT WORSE...MUCH MUCH WORSE. They got bumpy and started growing into one another so I drank some more Benadryl and slathered on some more cortozone cream and fell asleep on the couch. My husband came home and apparently didn't think to wake me to check to see if I was alive and went upstairs to bed. So I woke up around 7:30 pm and went upstairs to see him and show him and...THEY WERE WORSE. So I made my husband take some pictures and off we went to the ER. I had my husband take me to St. John Westshore Hospital ER (which is about 20 minutes from our house) because I didn't want to spend all night at Elyria Memorial Hospital (which is like right down the road from our house). We got to the hospital at 9 pm and I was not in good condition. I was shaking, cold, and my skin was on fire. I was out of it. I could hardly stand and when we walked into the ER I almost passed out at the desk and good thing that fast thinking nurse had the insight to put a wheelchair under my butt when she did because down I went. So we sat there for a while and I held my little white puke bucket because I was feeling a little pukey. When a doctor was finally able to see me, they all about shit. They said that this was the worst they have ever seen. They immediately started an IV (took them 3 tries) and gave me some steroids and some big time Benadryl and some liquids cause I was having a hard time drinking. I feel asleep and woke up about 1:45 am and they checked on me and they were pretty much gone. They gave me some prescriptions for Steroids and sent me on my merry way. As of today they are pretty much gone with the exceptions of a spot here and there but mostly gone. I am totally not convinced that it was the protein shake but I am not drinking that anymore. Hopefully it doesn't happen ever again. Here are some pictures of my spots.

Is that a tranny over there?

Sorry it has been a while since I have last wrote a blog. Boy do I have a lot of catching up to do. So last weekend (14th & 15th) my mother and I drove out to Harrisburg, PA to visit my sister and her family. They live in Drexel Hill, PA which is close to Philadelphia. So technically we meet them half way. It was nice to see my niece Mallory again since I had not seen her since last February when my aunt died. Speaking of dying, my grandfather just died last night. Like I told you a lot of shit happened in a short time. Anyway back to my niece. She is just great. I love her so much. She is 9 going on 20. So smart and such a whippersnapper. Yeah I said whippersnapper. Here is a picture of her:
Adorable isn't she. It was nice to be able to relax and enjoy the weekend with my sister and learn some more stuff about the surgery from her since she had it two years ago. By the way, she is pregnant now with her second child. I am so excited. I secretly wish for her to have another girl. So that I may have the only boy in the family. I know I am going to hell for it. Oh well. Plus the fact that if they have a boy, her husband Sebastian wants to name him Frank for his father. Ummmm, yeah okay. Please dear God let it be a girl. Anyway, here's the funny part of the weekend..

As my mom are getting closer to the hotel that we are staying at my phone rings and it is my sister Jenny. Here is the coversation that we had:

Me: Hello, what's up?
Jenny: Can mom hear me?
Me: Umm no I don't think so why?
Jenny: Okay I am going to tell you and you have to prepare mom.
Me: Oh Jesus Christ. Now what?
(Mom in background..."What the hell now?")
Jenny: Okay Sebastian, Mallory and I are standing here at the front desk signing in and Sebastian starts to look around and asks me if a woman standing over at the banquet entrance is really a guy.
Me: Well...
Jenny: Well, they are having a transgender/transvestite conference this weekend.
Me: Holy Shit.
(Mom in background..."What..what...whaaaaattttt?")
Jenny: So you have to prepare Mom so she doesn't freak out.
Me: Okay I will call you back later...(laughing so hard I have tears coming down my cheeks)
Jenny: K' Bye...

Here is the conversation with my mom

Me: Okay mom...
Mom: Just tell me...what now?
Me: Well....they are having a transgender/transvestite conference at our hotel this weekend.
Mom: WHAT?!?!?
Me: I gotta call Kristian
Mom: Your Mamaw is gonna love this! Shit I gotta call your dad!

So we get to the hotel and as I am driving around to find a parking spot, low and behold...there sitting on the steps with his/her legs open showing all his/her "stuff" is a lovely woman. Now I knew that it was a guy dressed as a woman, but apparently my mother had a hard time distinguishing. She kept asking me all the time, "Is that one?" While we were unloading the car with my 7 bags (yeah, fat people pack a lot..our underwear take up one bag....you know granny panties) my mom then looks at me with the upmost perplexed look on her face and she asks me, "What if they look at me and think that I am one?" I just about shit my pants right there in the parking lot.

Well, I was ready to give out some makeup tips and hair help. Let me tell you, I was disappointed. This must have been a starter transgender conference. Now imagine this...rusty red hair that is permed to the hilt and then brushed out, bright red painted lips, adam's apples, 5 o'clock shadow, salvation army hooker clothed, manly walking newbies. I just about threw up. I did a little in my mouth when my niece and I were in the pool and a "lady" walked in and had a one piece on and it showed a very "manly" package. All I can say is PLEASE SHAVE YOUR JUNK!!! If you are going to be it..be it all the way.

Anyway, as we were loading our stuff back into our car, a "couple" walked out and Mallory would not stop staring. And then they started kissing. And I am not talking about a little peck. I mean "get a room and start humping" kissing. Mallory looks at me and asks, "Those are really two guys right?" I then proceeded to cough on my apple juice and bring a little up my nose. It was great.

Then on our way home, my mom looks at me and says, "You know...that hotel should have warned us that they were having that conference this weekend." I looked at her and said, "Yeah mom, what they hell would they have said, "Umm, are you attending our transgender/transvestite conference that weekend?" Mom then said, "Well it would have been nice to let us know before hand instead of trying to figure out who was who." Okay mom.

(Please note: I am not sexist or racist. I love my gays just as much as you love yours. Just a funny moment in my life and telling it.)

So that was the great weekend. I had a blast with my niece and seeing my sister's growing belly. It was a nice relaxing weekend. Then we came home.

St. Patrick's Day was a good day then turn shitty. I was having major issues with hunger and then being full really fast. I could not decided what the hell I wanted to eat. And I was noticing that I would jump down your throat if you kept me from food. Well, my husband and I went out to see our friend Denny Michael's DJ in Avon Lake at a huge St. Patty's Day party. So off my husband and I go. We are being lovey dovey and we are just having a good time. Then we get to the party and I am getting really hungry. So I look at the menu and notice not a damn thing on there for me to eat. So I thought to myself, okay I will ask the waitress and see if they have applesauce, pudding, or cottage cheese. When I finally got one to come to our table she looked like she just ate a piece of shit and got some on her upper lip. Now I was once a waitress for 3 years and never in my waitressing career did I ever come to a table with a shitty look on my face. She didn't even say hello, what the fuck do you want, are you gonna order now, nothing...she just looked at me. So I asked her nicely if she had anything for me to eat...she said no...then I said okay I will just have the chicken...then she yells to everyone "WE ARE OUTTA CHICKEN". I then decided okay bitch I'm gonna go to taco bell and get some refried beans. So I stand up and ask my husband "where are the keys?" He gets mad that I am leaving to go to Taco Bell and I proceed to tell him that if she is gonna be a cunt (yeah don't like that word anymore than you but if you act like one, expect to get called one) then I am going to go to Taco Bell and get me some fu*kin beans and maybe some potatoes. He grabs my arm to keep my from leaving and I proceed to jerk my arm away from him and scream, "I am fu*kin' hungry let me go." And storm out and drive to Taco Bell. And then it happened....I stopped at Speedway and bought a pack of cigarettes and a lighter.

Now, I lit one and stared at it and just inhaled the smoke which did smell like shit. And then I took a puff and waited. Nothing. Damn. I was so hoping for that feeling I used to get. Now if you smoke or have smoked you know what feeling I am talking about. That feeling of your blood slowing down and that light headed feeling. Now I have only done marijuana once with my sister and threw up so many times that I never wanted to do it again. But cigarettes...OH GOD! I loved smoking. I loved the feeling. I couldn't care less if I smelled or my clothes smelled. Or if I had bad breath. I loved that fast acting stress reliever. Now, I made the stupid mistake of telling my husband when I got back to the party. I know, I am a dumbass. Because he then proceeded to tell me that I am not smoking (he is telling me this while he is smoking a cigarette) and he is going to tell my doctor on Wednesday at my 3 week follow up. Now that made me stop and think. Damn...he is really going to do it. And by God...he did.

Wednesday, March 18th 3:00. Doctor Ben-Meir's office. My husband asks the doctor, "What is going to happen to her if she should smoke?" Dr. Ben-Meir replies, "Well, what happens is that she will get an ulcer and be in pain." Just freakin great. Now I don't anticpate smoking all the time, but at moments like when I really really really need one, I am gonna smoke one. Now a few can't hurt I am thinking. Or I will just do a Bill Clinton and not inhale. Ha ha ha...I wanna inhale so hard that I suck the cigarette right down in my lungs. Sorry, bad picture.

Anyway, while they are weighing me I notice that they have my starting weight at 396. I looked at my nurse and said that's not right. My starting weight was 404. The nurse looks at me like I am crazy and asks me, "So you want to be heavier?" I replied, "Well I would like the correct starting weight to be down." She replies, "Yeah, okay." I then proceed to call her dumb bitch under my breath.

Then my worst fear happens on March 21, 2009 at midnight. My beloved grandfather dies. Now I know that this is the best for him, but you know deep down you always wish that they will go back to the way they used to be. Tall, handsome, funny and full of life. Instead of delirous and just not all there. He would talk to plants and his socks. The last time I went to go see him was his birthday on March 7th. He asked every couple of minutes for us to put his bow tie on him and to get his commanders coat. We tricked him and told him that my Uncle John had it in his car and he was in Columbus for a masonic meeting. I thought it was funny then. Now that I look back I wish I would have stayed for a few more minutes and gave him one more hug and kiss. I also wish that I would have taken my mom up on the offer of a picture of me and him on his birthday. Now I try to look back on how he was and how he would want me to remember him. He could sing like an angel in church and how I would eat his carrot sticks at his work when my dad would take me up there to visit him on his lunch break. I can now think of him watching over me with my grandma now. Oh how he missed her so much. And how I will miss him. My heart aches and the tears just will not come. I wanted to share a picture of him. This was in 2006 at my cousin's wedding. He was so handsome in his suit.


I can hear him up in Heavin singing, "Just A Closer Walk With Thee" while holding Grandma's hand.

What's Eating Gilbert Grape

This has to be one of my favorite movies. If you have never seen it, please rent it and watch it. It is probably in the $1 section of the rentals by now. Not only does it touch on mental retardation, but also on obesity. This is one of my favorite parts of the movie.

Things that suck about being fat: (Just to remind myself later)

(Note: I got most of these from eggface and I wanted to elaborate. Thanks eggface)

Having to take medications for diabetes and high blood pressure

Driving around the parking lots for hours waiting to get the perfect spot, you know, the very first one right after the handicap ones.

Going shopping with friends and only being able to buy purses and jewlery.

Going out to eat with family and friends and having to ask for a armless chair and heavenforbid if they sat us in a booth.

Going to concerts and not being able to fit into the t-shirts.

Being hot all the time and sweating for no reason. Sitting in a chair, taking a shower, driving…all sweating.

Narrow aisles in stores, hope to God that no one wanted to pass. It is so embarrassing to have to walk out of an aisle to let someone go by and then try again.

Weighing at the Dr. office and saying “oh we give you 3 pounds”. I don’t want you to give me 3 pounds.

Being limited to three clothing stores. (Lane “Giant”, Avenue, and Catherines)

Feeling as though my husband is not attracted to me anymore. It is hard to be a nympho and your husband not wanting it.

People analyzing what you order at restaurants. I am always thinking that servers are thinking, “Yea, order that and then say you want a diet pepsi…who are kidding.”

Dive bar bathrooms. Yea, I love to try to sit on a toilet seat that already touches the wall and then the toilet paper roll right on the other side touching the other side.


People always saying, "You have such a pretty face."

People alwasy saying, "Are you really gonna eat that?"

Walking by a group of teenagers and hoping they didn't make comments. (Funny story: I was once pumping gas and a carload of kids drove by and yelled “COW!” out of the window and apparently they were too busy looking at my fat butt that they didn’t stop at the stop light and they got hit. I laughed and thanked God for karma.)

Having pictures taken. If you take my picture it better be boob and up.

Having to special order my bridal gown. And having the lady tell me infront of a group of girls getting ready for prom that the reason why it was $300 more was because “that’s a lot more fabric honey.” I wanted to shank her.

The chairs with the attached desks at college.

Not fitting on roller coasters and amusement rides.

Popping a rib out of socket to get my toenails painted

Worrying when I heard a creak in a chair. (Funny story: My husband and I were at a bar with those small white chairs with the metal legs. Well, I sat sideways to get a better picture of my friends and I bent the legs on the chair. My husband saw it and he got me out of it real quick and I just left it. It ended up with my friend sitting in it that is small and he thought that he did it. Priceless.)

Seatbelts. And these damn new cars that beep non stop if both front seat passengers don’t buckle in.

Old-fashioned movie theater seats. I can only go to certain movie theaters that have the lift up armrests. I usually call before hand to make sure. Last time I went to a movie that didn’t have them, I ended up with such a bruise on my hips that I actually bruised my hip bone. Fun times.

Stadium seating. When my husband and I go to Indian’s games I sit for half the game and get my ass bruises and then the other half of the game I sit in the picnic area and watch the game on the tv. When my husband won tickets to a Cav’s playoff game I was hell bent and determined to go. We got there late and the game had already started. It was sold out. I had never seen so many people. We had club seats and as we are being ushered down to our seats I was praying like I never prayed before. When I went to sit down I was so relieved to find that my ass “juuuusssttt” fit. I didn’t get up until it was time to leave.

Packing a small getaway bag is impossible. 2 garments took up the whole bag. So for one weekend I have 3 bags and then having my friends saying, “you know we are only going away for a weekend right?”

Last dress I wore was my wedding dress. I so want to wear a pretty summery dress.

Never getting a piggy back ride or being swept off my feet. I so can’t wait until my husband can pick me up and carry me.

Dressing rooms. I hate going into a dressing room and trying on clothes. I end up sweating so much that the clothes then stick to me. I think they turn up the heat on fat chicks.

Slow dancing with my husband and not being able to have his arms around me all the way.

Shorts. No one wants to see a fat chick in shorts. But when I did wear them and then got into a hot car with leather seats I heard the hiss of searing flesh and then smelling the faint scent of bacon.

Small cars. Yeah I love your new car but I don’t want a ride. I don’t want to have to contort myself and have my knees up to my tits. Its like an elephant sitting in a Volkswagen beetle.

Sitting in a backseat of a car and someone pulling up next to the car and saying, “hey I think your tire is flat.”

Getting into my car and do the lean and pull. You know...lean over so your butt has room to pull the door shut.

I can probably think of a dozen more and will probably add them later. Thanks to eggface again.