Tuesday, February 23, 2010

One Year Ago Today

Today is my one year anniversary of having gastric bypass. When I woke up this morning I thought of all the things I have learned over this critical year. I did a little research on the internet today to help me put my thoughts into words. Some of these I have found and I thought they worked perfectly and some of these are mine.

I’ve learned that you can keep going long after you think you can’t. When I’m having a bad day and I am ready to throw in the towel, I somehow find the strength the keep going. Lately, I have hit a weight loss plateau. So instead of letting it get me down, I am finding a way to get past it.

I’ve learned that to win you must first lose, and that when you lose you sometimes win. This one is pretty much self explanatory. In the game of weight loss, losing is winning. However, it is one of the longest games in history and you can win and lose at the same time.

I’ve learned how to believe in myself. If I didn’t believe in myself I would have been setting myself up for failure.

I've learned that it is a hundred times more difficult to burn calories than to refrain from consuming them in the first place. I love chocolate, but it does not love me. I know now that if I have milk, I will be sicker than a high school drunk girl after her first alcohol feast. Plus I hate working out, that is until I get my Wii.

I've learned you never have to deal with more than one moment at a time. It all comes down to baby steps. Deal with one thing at a time.

I've learned that nobody has it all figured out. Not even doctors have it all figured out. Each person is different. One way may work for me, but may be a disaster to you. But try each way and see what works best for you. Support groups are great, but when they shove things down my throat then I get turned off and become that rebellious teenager and will do the exact opposite of what you've said just to piss you off.

I've learned that words are immensely powerful. One cruel remarks can wound someone for life. And that a million compliments will not erase one criticism. Here's a short story for you...One day at work when I was still fat, I was working with a customer who was a little overweight. She was nice and bubbly and fun to work with as was her mom who was with her. As I went to exchange information in her cell phones for her behind a wall, I overheard her tell her mom that she was embarrassed to work with me because I was so fat and she wished she would have worked with one of the cute boys. I was flabbergasted. I couldn't believe that someone who on the verge of being my size if she didn't straighten up would say something like that. I was so embarrassed. I finished my job with her and let her go without a word. Well, just the other day at work low and behold guess who walks in the door again at work. And let me tell you...she is now bigger than I was at my biggest. She didn't recognize me at all even when I greeted her by her name. I was now the party on the other side of the table. As she was walking around the showroom floor I noticed something about her. She was unhappy. She didn't smile at all and had a hard look to her. I felt sorry for her. I know what it's like to be in her shoes. Even though now I have lost a lot of weight and everyone compliments me on how I look great now, I will never forget how I felt when I overheard all the nasty things people have said over the years. It's what keeps me going.

I've learned that nothing – ever - happens like you pictured it. I used to have these fairytale pictures in my head on how things would turn out. Yeah, never does. I know now to expect the best and the worst out of situations and to accept how it turns out.

I've learned that when your break promises to yourself, you feel terrible. When you make a habit of it, you begin to hate yourself. On Monday I promise I will start working out. No, maybe Tuesday. Oh well crap. I now know to call them goals.

I've learned that life is a precious gift, love is a wonderful gift, and laughter is a glorious gift. So live life to the fullest, love with all your heart, and laugh as much as you breath. I make each moment count. I love to laugh and I live my life to the fullest.

I've learned that nobody said that it'd be easy, they just promised that it'd be worth it. Having gastric bypass was not the easy way out. I have to live with my decision every day. But it was the best decision for me and buddy was it worth it! I love the fact that I am satisfied with little food and I am not tied to the dinner table anymore.

I've learned that everyone experiences the same moment differently.

I’ve learned that sometimes it hurts to look back and see how far you’ve come. Today as I was looking back through my fat pictures I was assaulted by many emotions; anger, embarrassment, ashamed, and sad. I was angry at myself that I didn't see then what I was doing to myself. I was embarrassed because I let myself get that big and was blind to the fact that I was killing myself. And sad because I should have had surgery earlier and I could have walked down the aisle to my husband on our wedding day skinner and would have wedding pictures on our wall now instead of artwork.

I’ve learned that even though you may be in the fast lane and speeding along, you will eventually come to a traffic jam and come to a dead stop. Weight loss plateaus happen you just have to realize that you're in a rut. You have to get up and get moving to get that scale moving again.

I’ve learned that even though I may be skinner, I will always have a fat complex. Even after losing 160 pounds, I still feel fat. I still have nightmares that I won't fit into that movie theater seat. I still to this day buy my clothes looser so that I have room to grow. And then I get pissed off at myself when I leave the store. I am slowly working on this complex and one day will beat the bitch down.

When someone is smirking, giggling, or outright mocking you, they aren’t really doing it to single you out… they’re doing it because it makes them feel better about themselves. Self-esteem people is a kill all. Eveyone has it. But what people need to realize is that there are 2 kinds of self-esteem, low and high and it's the balance that we all should strive for.

I’ve learned that I hated being fat. For most of my childhood and all throughout my teens and all the way into my 20's I was fat. I was made fun of, ridiculed, and chastised for being fat. And it was all my fault. No one shoved food into my mouth, I did it all on my own. I know whats it like to be fat and it's a bitch. It's not fun. You never feel good. You feel sluggish all day and you are always tired. It down right sucks. That's why I know now I will never let myself get back to being fat.

1 comment:

Leah said...

WOW! WOW! WOW! Katey you look Fabulous!! I wouldn't recognize you if I passed you in the mall!! I remember that fateful day we met when you came in for Pre-Admission testing. Your tears and frustration broke my heart. I miss seeing these success stories everyday...but I don't miss the arrogant people I worked for. Good job and congrats. Your attitude is great and you will continue to be successful! Adam's Mom