Friday, February 27, 2009

Here are some pictures

Here are some pictures of me right after surgery sleeping, awake, walking, and of course my incisions (please be aware it is graphic because I am scary when I don't have makeup on and my hair done).

Here I am still sleeping off the anesthesia.

Here is a close up of me. (yeah real sexy right after surgery.)

Here I am now awake, but in a lot of pain.

Here are my incisions. At the top is my tube with a bottle that caught the excess. Real gross.
6 total holes in my body.

Favorite pastime: Walking the hallways

What's your birthday? They asked this every time they gave me meds, gave me shots, and took blood. I wonder what they would have done if I would have gave them a different birthday?

This is the Cleveland skyline. This is the view from my room. I would lay awake at 6 am and watch the lights. It was so beautiful.

What the heck was I thinking?!?!?!?

So I have been home for two days now. And it still is not getting any easier. So let me start at the beginning on Sunday when I started my "cleaning" out.

On Saturday night my husband and I had my "last" dinner with my parents, my aunt Karen, uncle Dick, and my cousin Kyle. We went to the Varsity Club in Willard and I ordered grilled chicken sandwich on a pretzel bun with fries and I had a small salad with Ranch dressing and I ordered dessert that I shared with the whole table. The dessert was a brownie with vanilla ice cream and whipped cream. Let me tell was damn good. However, it was the next day that I regretted the whole decision to eat any food.

Sunday. Oh Sunday. I spent the whole freakin day in the bathroom. My husband left the house to go over to his parents to eat since I did not allow him to eat in the house. I had to drink 1 1/2 bottle of magnesium citrate at 2 and then another 1 1/2 bottle at 5. Oh, dear Lord. I was prayin to die. I had never went to the bathroom like that. I went through 2 rolls of that double toilet paper. I read an entire romance novel by Nora Roberts while sitting on the "john". You know that song by Johnny Cash "I Fell Into A Burning Ring Of Fire", yeah that should explain it.

Then Monday came and I was a nervous wreck. I left both cellphones at home because I was afraid that I would call someone to come get me and runaway. I got up at 6 am (I really didn't sleep, just cat napped) and packed my bag and was in the truck ready to go. I was actually waiting on my husband. I had it in my head that the sooner I get there, the sooner it would be over. Kinda like Christmas. You go to bed sooner the sooner Santa comes.

We got to the hospital and I was surprised to see that my mom was already there and my grandparents made the trip from Crestline to be with me on my big day. I was taken to a room and answered a whole bunch of questions that I had already answered and they put the band on my wrist. Well, that sealed the deal. They tagged me and I was theirs.

I was then taken to a little room where I had to strip and put on funny little blue booties and a blue hat and a blue gown (the kind that shows your booty). And they had me get into a bed in the hallway. Well this is where I started getting really nervous and yeah I started crying. My Mamaw and Papaw gave me a hug and kiss and then my mom gave me a kiss and then I really started crying in earnest when my husband gave me a hug and a kiss. He probably thought, "what a baby." But this is my first big surgery. The only surgery that I've had before was to have my tonsils taken out when I was 19.

So they took me back to the surgery waiting room and I was in there for almost an hour and while in there they started my IV. I was still crying and one of the anesthesiologist came over and was talking with me and was explaining everything to me and I calmed down. Then soon as I calmed down my surgeon came in and said "we are ready for her". So then I started crying again. (I am a big baby)

They wheeled me down the hallway and into a small room with a bunch of people standing around. I remember thinking, "wow, are all these people here for me?". The surgeon came in again and I looked at him and that's when they gave me the "joy juice". They put a mask on my face and said take deep breaths and out I went.

When I woke up my mom and husband were talking and I remember trying to open my eyes and not being able to. I just let myself fall back asleep. I woke up some hours later and it was dark outside and the first thing I saw was my room and how pretty and modern it was. The cabinets were black, the walls were painted a mocha latte color, I was in a private room, and I had a flat screen tv. Then I saw my husbands face. He asked me how I was feeling and said I was still groggy. I was not allowed any food or drink until the next day. So around 8pm my mom and husband left and boy was I pushing my little button for "joy juice". The pain started in full force. It felt like someone punched and kicked me in the stomach about a million times. The nurse came in, gave me my shots and checked my vitals and then hauled my butt out of bed and helped me "waddle" down the hallway. After I got back in bed, I decided that the day should be over so I went to sleep and then woke up at 3 am when the fire alarm went off. And it beeped for over an hour and 45 mins. I just pushed my little happy black button and dozed off to sleep.

When I woke up at 6 am, I noticed all the little sounds that other patients make in their sleep: coughing, snoring, moaning, wheezing, and farting. Yeah, the patient across the room from me farted so many times I thought they had a fart machine in their room. And of course when someone farts you have to laugh, it's a law. And after having stomach surgery you CANNOT and I mean CANNOT laugh.

Around 9 am they took my down to x-ray and did a GI test. They had me drink this milky liquid that would light up my esophagus and my new "pouch". They wanted to make sure I didn't have any leaks or tears. Now being over 24 hours since I had anything to drink, my mouth drier than a sandstorm in the Sierra Desert. The milky liquid that they gave me to drink was nasty but oh so good at the same time. Also I got to see my new pouch on the x-ray machine when it was lit up and it was really cool and really small. I was impressed. After they told me I didn't have any leaks or tears, they told me that I was now allowed water and low sugar liquids (can you hear the angels sing?). I was so excited to get my first glass of ice chips that I chomped and chomped until my husband got there at 6pm. And what happens when you chomp on a lot of ice. Yep, thats right, you pee. And pee I did. And because they took out my catheter earlier I got real sick and tired of being sick and tired.

It seemed like every 20 mins I was getting up (which was not a pleasant experience) and going to the bathroom. Also when I was able to have a BM (nurse language for bowel movement) I had to have help in the paper department. I have never been so embarrassed. I am thankful that I am now able to take care of that issue (or should I say tissue..ha ha ha) by myself.

The next day was go home day. I was so excited and was so ready. Now my surgeon told me that he would come see me at from 10-12. So my husband took the day off work and we sat around and waited for the surgeon to come to release me. Now, we saw 12 come and go and then 1 come and go. Finally around 2 he finally came and I was having a little issue with shoulder pain. He wanted me to stick around to make sure that that went away. Now the shoulder pain, I was expecting that from the anesthesia. But what I was not expecting was the gas pain in my stomach. And the liquid bm's I was having (yeah, gross but I told you I am brutal honest). I was more or less tired of being sick. So my husband and I waited around some more.

Now the surgeon said he would come back in about 2-3 hours. That was around 2. After I saw the surgeon my regular doctor came in and saw me and told me that my sugar (diabetes) was doing great so he took me off my meds (hear the angels again? I did). And the nurse came back in, gave me more shots and told me that a doctor would be in to take out my tubing (see photo). I thought I was getting close to leaving. But no, I was so wrong. Around 4 pm the doctor came and took out my tubing and he told me it would not hurt, but it would feel funny. Now imagine this, imagine a foot long tube the size of a large straw is in your stomach wrapped around intestines and a doctor starts pulling it out real fast. Now he was right, it didn't hurt but none the less, it made me nauseous and it felt like he was moving my intestines around. Yeah, I still get like phantom feelings of it if I think about it. Now when I look at my stomach I have a hole in it and it looks like a big worm hole. Gross but cool. I have to keep it covered with gauze so I don't get anything in it. So after that I was determined to take a shower. I had all my IV's out and my incisions were glued together so I was ready to go. It felt so good to be sitting under that shower. I sat in there for quite a while and the reason why I know I was in there for a while is because both my husband and my nurse came in and checked on me.

But then at 9 pm the surgeon walked in. Now remember when I told you when he informed us that he would be back in 2-3 hours and that was around 2. Yeah, at 9 PM he finally came in and asked me (yeah asked me) if I wanted to go home or stay another night. Now, I was sitting on my bed with my bags next to me and I had go home clothes on. What in the heck was he thinking?!?!?!?! I told him that I was ready to go over 5 hours ago. He said he was stuck in surgery. (yeah, that's what they all say). Anyway, finally I was getting to go home.

On the ride home, I was not expecting the pain. Every time the truck dipped or hit a pot hole or a crack in the road, I was ready to hit the roof. I was holding my "squeeze" pillow to my tummy to hold it in (yeah, it helped a lot honestly). When we got home it was around 11 pm. I was exhausted and ready for bed. I went upstairs (stairs are no problem) and went right to bed and guess what....I woke up at exactly 6 am.

I have learned a few things since having surgery that may help you others getting ready to have surgery or are wanting to have surgery.
1. When you get up out of bed or out of a chair, pretend you are pregnant and go stomach first and use your thigh muscles instead of stomach muscles.
2. When you fart, please remember that it may not be just air, some other stuff may come out too.
3. Take your pain medications on time or you will pay for it.
4. Before you go in for surgery, make sure you put on chapstick. When they put the tube down your throat it keeps your mouth open for the duration of your surgery and it will keep your lips from being chapped.
5. Don't laugh real hard. You may pee a little.
6. Every time you get up, hold your "squeeze" pillow to your tummy. It does help.
7. Walk at least 10 mins every hour. It helps with gas and also with blood clots. But mostly with gas. If you have the laproscopic surgery they fill your belly with air to be able to see your intestines and move around with the utensils.
8. Do your breathing exercises when you get back from walking. It will make it so much easier to breath. And sit up when you do them. Laying down makes it much harder to breath.
9. Sip slowly and don't have anything real cold or real hot. Luke warm is good enough for now.
10. Things to take to the hospital: shampoo, conditioner, lotion, deodorant (you smell real bad after surgery), go home clothes, face wash, chapstick, a wooden spoon or salad tongs (to wipe your hiney. you won't ever use them again though), and vasaline (the hospital is very dry, you will have to put this up your nose to not have nose bleeds. Apparently the hospital does not believe in the humidifiers.)

So now that I have been home for a couple of days and my mom has been with me for that couple of days, I have realized that I am glad that I had surgery. Not only is my mom helping me get my energy back but she is cleaning my house and putting up my decorations that I have yet (I have lived here for over 3 years) to put up.

But another thing, people are going to treat you like a child. They (my husband and mother) come in the living room where I am camped out and tell me, "do your breathing", "sip...sip". Last night I was getting ready for bed and I asked my husband for the 2 teaspoons of my liquid pain meds and he asked me kinda haughty "are you sure you need 2 teaspoons, won't 1 teaspoon do you?" I practically came unglued. I informed him that I just had stomach surgery and my stomach was cut in half and sewn shut and then sewn to my intestine. Now if he wanted to live through the night and not be smothered with a pillow he would bring me 2 teaspoons of diluted pain medication. He did bring me the 2 teaspoons. He lived. I have now informed them to ask me nicely if I did my breathing exercises and if I have walked and not the second guess me and ask me if I am lying. Remind them that the only person that it is going to hurt is you and not them.

But I am going to end this now and will post the pictures of my surgery once I get my mom's camera. Probably tomorrow. Hope you are still awake.

Friday, February 20, 2009

I am still learning

Okay so I now that I know how to add videos here is the Ralphie May video for you to enjoy.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

New Fat Blog I Found

I was looking for more fat girl blogs and found a great one. Go check this one out ..some of it is hilarious...In one part they were talking about “Deep Fried Peanut Butter-Covered Brownie Wrapped In Cookie Dough” and “French Fry-Encased Hot Dog On A Stick.” Now since I am on a liquid diet for another 4 days...some of this sounds pretty good. Now I know that you may think this sounds totally disgusting, but you try being on a liquid diet for almost 2 weeks, you would eat shit covered oreos. Well, maybe I went a little too far with that one. Sorry.

Now, on to another topic. Have you ever been on a diet and when you watch tv you practically come out of your skin when the food commercials come on? I am right now sitting in my husband's recliner and we are watching Ralphie May the comedian on Comedy Central. Now he is one fat dude...and he is talking about this right now. His one joke about watching the cooking shows like he was watching porn and he is saying, "yeah, you are a dirty little chocolate covered...." I am gonna try to find the video for it and load it on here. You will shit is hilarious!

Marilyn Monroe Wannabe!!!

This is my favorite picture. She has perky boobs and slim hips. This is what I want to look like after this is all said and done. I want to be able to have a white swimsuit on that does not cut off the circulation to my legs and when I take it off I have lines on my ass where the swimsuit was too tight. I want to be on a sandy beach with the wind blowing my hair and I want to be total carefree like she looks. One of these days I tell you. And when I do, I am gonna post my picture for all the world to see. Yeah, you'll be jealous as hell I know it.

These past couple of days I have told a few more family members and friends that I am having the surgery. And all they come back with are horror stories of friends or family members who have died or have complications still to this day. A customer actually had the balls to tell me that if I didn't go through with this surgery he would give me a free life membership to his health club. I practically laughed in his face and told him that if he was really nice he would help me get toned after I had the surgery. He said no. Damn him. Anyway, I am prepared for this surgery. I know the complications and I am taking all the precautions for the surgery. I will be in the hospital for 2 days if I am a good girl. About an hour after surgery I will have to get my ass out of bed and walk around. I will have to have injections in my stomach for two weeks after surgery for blood clots. I know that I could die from having this surgery and you know what...I am okay with that. I understand that, but I could also die from being fat. Either way I could die, but at least I know and my family will know that I have tried everything. I did Atkins (that is can only eat so much meat before you start moo'ing and oinking yourself), South Beach (no fucking beach included..bastards), Slimfast (I didn't get They need to change their name), Weight Watchers (yeah, I love to carry around a little slider when I go to the market and writing on each box of food how many "points" are in each serving, and then I have to count how many points I ate for that day...I totally suck at math and I got so pissed off at my slider at the market that I threw it down and did a little dance on it.), and I also did Optifast (expensive and what they don't tell you is that once you start eating real food again, all your weight comes back plus ummm I would say a hundred more). So now I am back to either watching what I eat (yea, watch it as it goes in my mouth) and count calories (did I mention suck at math) or having this surgery. Now I know I will still have to watch what I eat, but the great thing is I won't have to deal with a constantly hungry stomach and always feeling like I am starving. I wonder what it is like to feel full. I haven't felt full in a long time. I am so looking forward to feeling full.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Well Happy Birthday to Me!

Okay so exactly a week from today I am having a surgery that is going to change my life. I am having bariatric surgery at St. Vincent Charity Hospital in Cleveland and I am rip roaring ready to go. Right now I weigh 396 lbs. Yeah, I am a cow. And I can admit it. I was in the doctor's office a week ago and I was talking with a case manager and she was telling me that I should write a book with all my little quips and stories that I tell them. I get them cracking up all the time in the office. I guess I am not afraid to make fun of myself. Now, I don't like to make fun of myself but I would rather do it then have someone else do it. I like people laughing with me instead of at me. I've always learned that if you are fat, you better be funny. So I guess I am a regular comedian. But what people don't realize is how much it hurts. I am tired of being tired and having no energy. I am always cranky. I am afraid I can't have kids. And even if I could have kids, I don't have the energy to keep up with them. I am tired of being embarrassed. And skinny people just don't realize what it's like. For skinny people here is what our life is like. When I go out to eat with my husband, I check out the restaurant before going in. I look in the window to see if they have tables and what the chairs look like. I am praying on the way in and praying that the chairs to the tables do not have arms. Arms on chairs are a fat persons enemy. The worst thing is trying to squeeze your fat ass in a chair and trying to be comfortable enough to eat. As my husband and I go up to the host to seat us, they always ask if we want a booth or table. Now I always am polite when I say "table, please." But I am thinking, "Bitch please, you see that my ass and stomach are not going to fit in no damn booth. You just want to make me feel bad." I am so looking forward to eating in a booth. I just can't wait. I also have noticed that when we go out my husband now watches for fat dangers (what I like to call them). He makes sure that when we go to the movie theater we go to the one that has the lift up arm rests. He knows what restaurants I feel comfortable in. One of the most surprising events in my life was when I was dancing and I caught myself in a mirror. The DJ that played our wedding is also one of our best friends. We have also made a bunch of friends with his "followers". We all follow him to each of his gigs. Well at one of his gigs I was dancing with our friends and I saw what others saw in a mirror. I was horrified. It brought tears to my eyes. I sat down and that was the last time I got up and danced. Now I get up and do line dances but after they are done, I sit right back down. My friends have asked me why I don't dance and I just give them the excuse that I am tired or my feet hurt from being on them all day at work. I feel bad. I do get up to slow dance with my husband because that's the only time I feel close to him. I sometimes feel as though this weight is keeping us apart. Not only has it expanded me, but it has expanded the distance between us. I told my husband to watch out for me after I have surgery. I am never going to sit down. I will be a dancing machine. I love to dance. Now don't get me wrong. I have a very beautiful face. But the neck down is a disaster. My husband has told me that he has noticed a couple of men checking me out and staring at me. Now I sometimes notice it and it has two effects on me, flattered and uncomfortable. Flattered that someone thinks I am pretty besides my husband and uncomfortable that someone thinks I am pretty and was staring at me. I hate it when people stare at me, I am always thinking they are wondering how I ended up so fat or making fun of me in their head. Yeah, I do have some crazy tendencies. But as this week goes, I am getting crazier and crazier. I had to start a liquid diet that is driving me crazy. It is called Optifast and I have 5 shakes a day, each shake is 8 ounces and chocolate is the only one that I can choke down. And for dinner I have a lean quisine. I am starving. But if I can make it through this until Feb 22nd when I have to do my milk of magnesia and until Feb 23 when I have surgery, I can make it through anything. Many people have asked me if I am scared of surgery and I tell them, not yet. But wait until they start to wheel me in the surgery room and I will probably be asking for my mommy. But as I think of this long journey, I will try to think of each day as a new beginning. Each day brings new change in myself and my body. And I can't wait to see and experience each change.

This is the beginning of my new life

So by starting this blog, I am going to tell you about myself and how I got myself into this predicament. Yeah, I said how I got myself into this predicament. No one shoveled food and candy into my mouth, I did it all by myself. And now I am getting myself set to get myself out of it and having learned my lesson I am hoping that this blog helps others too. This is a journey of my life from fat to fabulous starting today Febuary 16th, which happens to be my 29th birthday.

I was born in a small town in Ohio on a cold day on Febuary 16th, 1980 to Bill and Susan Clime. I have an older sister, Jenny, who I always looked up to much to her demise. I was a normal healthy child. Back to my oldest memories I remember always running everywhere. I loved to run. I would run back and forth from the barn to the house (did I mention I grew up on a farm). I am so looking forward to running again. Now, I get short of breath just thinking of running. I spent a lot of time with with babysitters as both my parents held full time jobs. The Kirby's molded me into what I am today. My morals and values come from them as they were not just my babysitters, they were my Sunday school teachers and more or less "grandparents". I remember on my first day of kindergarten my mom and dad put me on that big yellow school bus and being so nervous until the school day ended. I had a note from my mom that on most days I was to be dropped off at Kirby's house. However, my teacher must have thought everyday I was to be dropped off at Kirbys because on that special day when my parents were waiting at the end of our driveway waiting to hear about my first big day, I was making the long walk up the seemingly endless driveway up to Kirb's house. No one was expecting me at Kirbs house. Boy were my parents worried and a little upset that they didn't get to see me get off the school bus for the first time. I was always a very active child, I would rather be outside than in. On rainy days I would go stir crazy. I didn't start to gain weight until I was in at least 2nd or 3rd grade. The big turning point in my life was when my parents seperated. My sister then turned into my babysitter and I did what she did. We would get out of school, go back to our apartment and sit infront of the television and watch MTV. From years on then I would continue to gain weight until I was in high school when I went on a liquid diet and lost around 100 lbs. It was near the end of my junior year that I started the liquid diet and it went all the way through until I started college. I remember on my first day back to school my senior year I was walking down the hallway and a girl that I had went through all my school years with introduced herself to me and I looked at her and said, "Amanda, it's me Katey." She could hardly believe herself. I had the best year of all my school years that senior year. I was more confident in myself and I joined more activites and made more friends and was not afraid to be myself. When I started college that following September 2008 at Bowling Green State University I was not fat but not skinny. I thought of myself as a normal college kid. I was so excited and I meet so many new people. I started to realize that funny saying about the "college 15" meant for me the "college 50" . I was so dissapointed in myself. One weekend when I came home to visit my parents I went up town and went "lapping" with friends. I meet a guy. ( I will make this short and simple). I ended up leaving Bowling Green moving back in with my parents and trying to make a family with him and his daughter. Yeah, as you guessed didn't work in the biggest way. It was a very emotional abusive relationship. I didn't have any self worth, no self confidence and I was so nervous to be by myself in my house and I couldnt even take a shower in the house with out someone else being in the house with me. Still to this day I can't stand silence. I have to have some noise in the background. I wasted 3 years of my life with him and I will not spend another minute more on him. When I finally left him I then started to pick up the pieces of my life. I moved back in with my parents again and started to get better grades in school. I changed my major to Social Work from Education and I had big dreams of helping other women like me get out of bad relationships. I soon moved to Columbus to the main campus of Ohio State University. While I lived in Columbus all my hard work of gaining confidence and self esteem went right down the toilet. I became a recluse in my little one room apartment. I rarely went to class and lived for the weekend when I went home. I started to realize with myself that I needed to move back with my parents and change colleges to Marion Technical College. When I started at Marion Technical College I started a new life. I started getting straight "A's" and really caring about my grades and was making new friends that I had things in common with. When I finally graduated in May 2005 I had a grade point average of 3.9 I was a straight A student and had completed 3 studies of where I worked in the field. I was loving life. I was also in love with the man of my dreams. I met him online in March and was so nervous about meeting him in person and not liking me for who I am. His name is Kristian and boy was I smitten. His profile picture was him holding an ice cream cone. In his profile he told me that he was a manager of a Dairy Queen and I thought to myself, " ice cream for life!" I was heavy by then and weighed around (gulp) 350 lbs. He and I talked on the phone for about a month before I agreed to meet him. On April 2nd he drove from Cleveland to Mansfield to pick me up and he drove me back to Cleveland and took me to which is now my favorite resturant, Pickwick and Frolic, and then took me to Hilarites the comedy club. I had the best "first date" ever. Well it just so happened that we had a freak snow storm that day and we got more than 7 inches of snow and he drove me back to Mansfield and then drove back home. What I realized when I was driving home from the date was that I was shocked that I felt so comfortable with him. I actually fell asleep on the way home. I had never done that before! I was always on the lookout for potential disasters and accidents and always preferred to drive to feel more in control. I remember telling my mom when I got home that he was going to be someone very special in my life. Boy, what I didn't know! He eventually came to be my best friend, my soul mate, and my husband. I never in my wildest dreams thought that I would trust someone and love someone so completely. I am so comfortable with him that I don't mind taking my clothes off infront of him and don't mind letting him having control and letting him decide. I now have someone that I can laugh with and share my dreams with. We got married on a breezy beautiful day, August 26th, 2006. It was the best day of my life. Since that day I have put on more weight and I am now at the heaviest I have been in my entire life. I am so dissapointed in myself for letting me get this way or should I say weigh...I have tried many years to have the bariatric surgery and I am finally getting my dream. I am so ready and pumped for the long journey ahead. So I am starting this blog for family members and friends to stay in touch and see how I am doing on this journey. I am also doing this blog for new friends to learn and see how losing weight will change your looks but your beauty on the inside. So welcome to my journey from fat to fabulous!