Well Happy Birthday to Me!

Okay so exactly a week from today I am having a surgery that is going to change my life. I am having bariatric surgery at St. Vincent Charity Hospital in Cleveland and I am rip roaring ready to go. Right now I weigh 396 lbs. Yeah, I am a cow. And I can admit it. I was in the doctor's office a week ago and I was talking with a case manager and she was telling me that I should write a book with all my little quips and stories that I tell them. I get them cracking up all the time in the office. I guess I am not afraid to make fun of myself. Now, I don't like to make fun of myself but I would rather do it then have someone else do it. I like people laughing with me instead of at me. I've always learned that if you are fat, you better be funny. So I guess I am a regular comedian. But what people don't realize is how much it hurts. I am tired of being tired and having no energy. I am always cranky. I am afraid I can't have kids. And even if I could have kids, I don't have the energy to keep up with them. I am tired of being embarrassed. And skinny people just don't realize what it's like. For skinny people here is what our life is like. When I go out to eat with my husband, I check out the restaurant before going in. I look in the window to see if they have tables and what the chairs look like. I am praying on the way in and praying that the chairs to the tables do not have arms. Arms on chairs are a fat persons enemy. The worst thing is trying to squeeze your fat ass in a chair and trying to be comfortable enough to eat. As my husband and I go up to the host to seat us, they always ask if we want a booth or table. Now I always am polite when I say "table, please." But I am thinking, "Bitch please, you see that my ass and stomach are not going to fit in no damn booth. You just want to make me feel bad." I am so looking forward to eating in a booth. I just can't wait. I also have noticed that when we go out my husband now watches for fat dangers (what I like to call them). He makes sure that when we go to the movie theater we go to the one that has the lift up arm rests. He knows what restaurants I feel comfortable in. One of the most surprising events in my life was when I was dancing and I caught myself in a mirror. The DJ that played our wedding is also one of our best friends. We have also made a bunch of friends with his "followers". We all follow him to each of his gigs. Well at one of his gigs I was dancing with our friends and I saw what others saw in a mirror. I was horrified. It brought tears to my eyes. I sat down and that was the last time I got up and danced. Now I get up and do line dances but after they are done, I sit right back down. My friends have asked me why I don't dance and I just give them the excuse that I am tired or my feet hurt from being on them all day at work. I feel bad. I do get up to slow dance with my husband because that's the only time I feel close to him. I sometimes feel as though this weight is keeping us apart. Not only has it expanded me, but it has expanded the distance between us. I told my husband to watch out for me after I have surgery. I am never going to sit down. I will be a dancing machine. I love to dance. Now don't get me wrong. I have a very beautiful face. But the neck down is a disaster. My husband has told me that he has noticed a couple of men checking me out and staring at me. Now I sometimes notice it and it has two effects on me, flattered and uncomfortable. Flattered that someone thinks I am pretty besides my husband and uncomfortable that someone thinks I am pretty and was staring at me. I hate it when people stare at me, I am always thinking they are wondering how I ended up so fat or making fun of me in their head. Yeah, I do have some crazy tendencies. But as this week goes, I am getting crazier and crazier. I had to start a liquid diet that is driving me crazy. It is called Optifast and I have 5 shakes a day, each shake is 8 ounces and chocolate is the only one that I can choke down. And for dinner I have a lean quisine. I am starving. But if I can make it through this until Feb 22nd when I have to do my milk of magnesia and until Feb 23 when I have surgery, I can make it through anything. Many people have asked me if I am scared of surgery and I tell them, not yet. But wait until they start to wheel me in the surgery room and I will probably be asking for my mommy. But as I think of this long journey, I will try to think of each day as a new beginning. Each day brings new change in myself and my body. And I can't wait to see and experience each change.