Is that a tranny over there?

Sorry it has been a while since I have last wrote a blog. Boy do I have a lot of catching up to do. So last weekend (14th & 15th) my mother and I drove out to Harrisburg, PA to visit my sister and her family. They live in Drexel Hill, PA which is close to Philadelphia. So technically we meet them half way. It was nice to see my niece Mallory again since I had not seen her since last February when my aunt died. Speaking of dying, my grandfather just died last night. Like I told you a lot of shit happened in a short time. Anyway back to my niece. She is just great. I love her so much. She is 9 going on 20. So smart and such a whippersnapper. Yeah I said whippersnapper. Here is a picture of her:
Adorable isn't she. It was nice to be able to relax and enjoy the weekend with my sister and learn some more stuff about the surgery from her since she had it two years ago. By the way, she is pregnant now with her second child. I am so excited. I secretly wish for her to have another girl. So that I may have the only boy in the family. I know I am going to hell for it. Oh well. Plus the fact that if they have a boy, her husband Sebastian wants to name him Frank for his father. Ummmm, yeah okay. Please dear God let it be a girl. Anyway, here's the funny part of the weekend..

As my mom are getting closer to the hotel that we are staying at my phone rings and it is my sister Jenny. Here is the coversation that we had:

Me: Hello, what's up?
Jenny: Can mom hear me?
Me: Umm no I don't think so why?
Jenny: Okay I am going to tell you and you have to prepare mom.
Me: Oh Jesus Christ. Now what?
(Mom in background..."What the hell now?")
Jenny: Okay Sebastian, Mallory and I are standing here at the front desk signing in and Sebastian starts to look around and asks me if a woman standing over at the banquet entrance is really a guy.
Me: Well...
Jenny: Well, they are having a transgender/transvestite conference this weekend.
Me: Holy Shit.
(Mom in background..."What..what...whaaaaattttt?")
Jenny: So you have to prepare Mom so she doesn't freak out.
Me: Okay I will call you back later...(laughing so hard I have tears coming down my cheeks)
Jenny: K' Bye...

Here is the conversation with my mom

Me: Okay mom...
Mom: Just tell me...what now?
Me: Well....they are having a transgender/transvestite conference at our hotel this weekend.
Mom: WHAT?!?!?
Me: I gotta call Kristian
Mom: Your Mamaw is gonna love this! Shit I gotta call your dad!

So we get to the hotel and as I am driving around to find a parking spot, low and behold...there sitting on the steps with his/her legs open showing all his/her "stuff" is a lovely woman. Now I knew that it was a guy dressed as a woman, but apparently my mother had a hard time distinguishing. She kept asking me all the time, "Is that one?" While we were unloading the car with my 7 bags (yeah, fat people pack a lot..our underwear take up one bag....you know granny panties) my mom then looks at me with the upmost perplexed look on her face and she asks me, "What if they look at me and think that I am one?" I just about shit my pants right there in the parking lot.

Well, I was ready to give out some makeup tips and hair help. Let me tell you, I was disappointed. This must have been a starter transgender conference. Now imagine this...rusty red hair that is permed to the hilt and then brushed out, bright red painted lips, adam's apples, 5 o'clock shadow, salvation army hooker clothed, manly walking newbies. I just about threw up. I did a little in my mouth when my niece and I were in the pool and a "lady" walked in and had a one piece on and it showed a very "manly" package. All I can say is PLEASE SHAVE YOUR JUNK!!! If you are going to be it..be it all the way.

Anyway, as we were loading our stuff back into our car, a "couple" walked out and Mallory would not stop staring. And then they started kissing. And I am not talking about a little peck. I mean "get a room and start humping" kissing. Mallory looks at me and asks, "Those are really two guys right?" I then proceeded to cough on my apple juice and bring a little up my nose. It was great.

Then on our way home, my mom looks at me and says, "You know...that hotel should have warned us that they were having that conference this weekend." I looked at her and said, "Yeah mom, what they hell would they have said, "Umm, are you attending our transgender/transvestite conference that weekend?" Mom then said, "Well it would have been nice to let us know before hand instead of trying to figure out who was who." Okay mom.

(Please note: I am not sexist or racist. I love my gays just as much as you love yours. Just a funny moment in my life and telling it.)

So that was the great weekend. I had a blast with my niece and seeing my sister's growing belly. It was a nice relaxing weekend. Then we came home.

St. Patrick's Day was a good day then turn shitty. I was having major issues with hunger and then being full really fast. I could not decided what the hell I wanted to eat. And I was noticing that I would jump down your throat if you kept me from food. Well, my husband and I went out to see our friend Denny Michael's DJ in Avon Lake at a huge St. Patty's Day party. So off my husband and I go. We are being lovey dovey and we are just having a good time. Then we get to the party and I am getting really hungry. So I look at the menu and notice not a damn thing on there for me to eat. So I thought to myself, okay I will ask the waitress and see if they have applesauce, pudding, or cottage cheese. When I finally got one to come to our table she looked like she just ate a piece of shit and got some on her upper lip. Now I was once a waitress for 3 years and never in my waitressing career did I ever come to a table with a shitty look on my face. She didn't even say hello, what the fuck do you want, are you gonna order now, nothing...she just looked at me. So I asked her nicely if she had anything for me to eat...she said no...then I said okay I will just have the chicken...then she yells to everyone "WE ARE OUTTA CHICKEN". I then decided okay bitch I'm gonna go to taco bell and get some refried beans. So I stand up and ask my husband "where are the keys?" He gets mad that I am leaving to go to Taco Bell and I proceed to tell him that if she is gonna be a cunt (yeah don't like that word anymore than you but if you act like one, expect to get called one) then I am going to go to Taco Bell and get me some fu*kin beans and maybe some potatoes. He grabs my arm to keep my from leaving and I proceed to jerk my arm away from him and scream, "I am fu*kin' hungry let me go." And storm out and drive to Taco Bell. And then it happened....I stopped at Speedway and bought a pack of cigarettes and a lighter.

Now, I lit one and stared at it and just inhaled the smoke which did smell like shit. And then I took a puff and waited. Nothing. Damn. I was so hoping for that feeling I used to get. Now if you smoke or have smoked you know what feeling I am talking about. That feeling of your blood slowing down and that light headed feeling. Now I have only done marijuana once with my sister and threw up so many times that I never wanted to do it again. But cigarettes...OH GOD! I loved smoking. I loved the feeling. I couldn't care less if I smelled or my clothes smelled. Or if I had bad breath. I loved that fast acting stress reliever. Now, I made the stupid mistake of telling my husband when I got back to the party. I know, I am a dumbass. Because he then proceeded to tell me that I am not smoking (he is telling me this while he is smoking a cigarette) and he is going to tell my doctor on Wednesday at my 3 week follow up. Now that made me stop and think. Damn...he is really going to do it. And by God...he did.

Wednesday, March 18th 3:00. Doctor Ben-Meir's office. My husband asks the doctor, "What is going to happen to her if she should smoke?" Dr. Ben-Meir replies, "Well, what happens is that she will get an ulcer and be in pain." Just freakin great. Now I don't anticpate smoking all the time, but at moments like when I really really really need one, I am gonna smoke one. Now a few can't hurt I am thinking. Or I will just do a Bill Clinton and not inhale. Ha ha ha...I wanna inhale so hard that I suck the cigarette right down in my lungs. Sorry, bad picture.

Anyway, while they are weighing me I notice that they have my starting weight at 396. I looked at my nurse and said that's not right. My starting weight was 404. The nurse looks at me like I am crazy and asks me, "So you want to be heavier?" I replied, "Well I would like the correct starting weight to be down." She replies, "Yeah, okay." I then proceed to call her dumb bitch under my breath.

Then my worst fear happens on March 21, 2009 at midnight. My beloved grandfather dies. Now I know that this is the best for him, but you know deep down you always wish that they will go back to the way they used to be. Tall, handsome, funny and full of life. Instead of delirous and just not all there. He would talk to plants and his socks. The last time I went to go see him was his birthday on March 7th. He asked every couple of minutes for us to put his bow tie on him and to get his commanders coat. We tricked him and told him that my Uncle John had it in his car and he was in Columbus for a masonic meeting. I thought it was funny then. Now that I look back I wish I would have stayed for a few more minutes and gave him one more hug and kiss. I also wish that I would have taken my mom up on the offer of a picture of me and him on his birthday. Now I try to look back on how he was and how he would want me to remember him. He could sing like an angel in church and how I would eat his carrot sticks at his work when my dad would take me up there to visit him on his lunch break. I can now think of him watching over me with my grandma now. Oh how he missed her so much. And how I will miss him. My heart aches and the tears just will not come. I wanted to share a picture of him. This was in 2006 at my cousin's wedding. He was so handsome in his suit.


I can hear him up in Heavin singing, "Just A Closer Walk With Thee" while holding Grandma's hand.